Taking Down The Wolf

Some Beach some where right?

See this is why I love country music, It speaks truth all across the board. How many times a day do you sit in your swivel chair dreaming of the world outside? Does it ever take you back to being 4 years old proclaiming to the world you will be a super hero when you grow up or lunch lady (don’t ask).  If my childhood self could see me now she would shriek with terror. Working a corporate job and taking crap left and right…

 

It is a dog eat dog world, well in my life its more like wolf eat Bambi’s mom world.

Today was the day, I returned to work after being on short term disability. No welcome back balloons or a desk full of cookies. All I received was call to the office where I was informed the short term disability people told me the wrong return date and I was suppose to be back a day sooner. Well of course since that was not my fault and tons of proof to show it I in no way could be reprimanded for that right? WRONG. Lets just say I am skating on a thin piece of ice.

If you happen to be reading this and you are a CEO of a fortune 500 company see your way out! If by some chance you stayed then pop a squat and listen. Every day millions of people like me set off to work. A brief case in one hand and a double shot nonfat mocha (we try to keep our girlish figures) in the other stroll into work not really knowing why we have a brief case but its there. We get to our desk and we deal with email upon email of new procedure and protocol all the while sipping our morning glory and saving the company one click at a time. Just then Kelly in accounting (we all know her) sprays that vomit inducing perfume that we happen to be allergic to. Well here comes the hives and the throat swelling trying to get as many clicks as you can before total darkness from passing out due to anaphylactic shock. As the EMTs roll our lifeless body away the section head holds up a pink slip and places it on the body bag.

Sure I am being over dramatic but the truth is we just are not given the time to live. Simple as that, how many times have you sat at your desk waiting for the ball to drop or texting your mom saying you can’t go to memaws 100th birthday. Its all different stories with the same outcome. Everything is so fast paced and need to have it now that we forget there was a time when FAMILY was the center of it all. Now its deadlines and overtime. Coffee breath and quickies.

I don’t know where my life is going and what job I will be at tomorrow, but I do know that I am going to embrace this uncomfortable feeling because why the hell not. No more perfection and data plans its all about the things that matter and to me thats taking a few extra seconds to watch the rain or a few crappy car shows with my man. It will not nor will it ever consist of ripping my hair out for a job that doesn’t love me. So bite on that huge corporations!

~ME

Starting A YouTube

Ever since I was a freshman in High school I have wanted to start a YouTube but never felt it was the right time.

Really when is the perfect time though? Once you have lost those pesky 5 pounds or until you feel your life is more in order? I kept pushing it off but here I am at my heaviest weight and I decided enough is a enough and finally started my channel.

I can’t  exactly give a step by step on getting likes and views because I am still working on that but I would love to explain the editing and uploading process.

FIRST STEP

Start with the basics

The first thing you’ll need to do is actually create your  channel, and YouTube makes it incredibly easy to do.

  • Sign into YouTube and click on the user icon at the top right of the screen
  • Click on the gear icon to get to your account’s YouTube Settings
  • Click on Create a new channel
  • Then choose “Use a business or other name”
  • Add your Brand name and click create

Fill in the about section

Next, you’ll want to fill out your profile and channel description; this is the first option you see after you have created a channel. Here, you should describe your brand and what viewers can expect to see on your channel. This is also a great place to add links to your website and other social media networks that you use. This description will appear in more than one place on your channel, so be sure to put your best foot forward when filling it out!

Know your audience

Since you’re starting a YouTube channel , you should have more than enough source material to work with, and you can approach your video content in more than one way.

You should also create content that’s aimed at your target audience. The more that you cater to your target market, the more likely they will want to look into your channel.

 

Channel Trailer!

You’ll also want to create your channel trailer. Channel trailers are usually short and sweet, and are a good introduction for new visitors. You can let your audience know who you are.

 

Its time to upload

At this point, you’ve probably done a fair amount of research about your first video, and if you already have your channel trailer under your belt, you have a bit of practice as well. Once you’re done filming and editing your first video, it’s time to upload it. Given that YouTube relies on video uploads, you’ll find the upload option at the top right of the screen when you log into your account.

Optimize for search

When uploading a video, you’ll be asked to fill in a title, description, and tags. These are essential components to have your video easily discoverable in YouTube search, so don’t skimp on them!

Much like SEO for your own website, YouTube has its own set of parameters for you to optimize your video for search. Fill these sections out to the best of your ability using keywords to describe the video and your business. A keyword-rich (but not heavy) title and description can go a long way and you’ll be able to see what works for your videos as you progress.

If your video is well optimized for YouTube itself, this can extend to search engines as well. As a Google-owned product, YouTube has tight integration with the search giant. If you play your cards right, you’ll find your videos ranking high on both YouTube and Google.

Stay consistent

Don’t expect success if you plan to create a YouTube channel, upload one video and then neglect it completely. Creating a successful YouTube channel takes time and effort, and viewers expect consistency from the channels that they subscribe to. After your first video, be sure to plan the next few videos ahead of time.

Unsure if you’ll have time to shoot a video every week or every other week? Not a problem! Take a day out of your schedule to shoot more than one video and release them on your own schedule.

P.S Also YouTube has a new algorithm that is formatted for channels that upload consistently!

EDITING

This is a big one and the one I had snuggle with the most! At first I used Filmora https://www.wondershare.net/ad/video-editor-win/filmora-dco.html?gclid=CjwKEAjwytLKBRCX547gve7EsE4SJAD3IZV6_AF7DisT_geWlrz7203ClhP9Z7PKgYQEkW5TwH3CthoCm7fw_wcB

which was good but it slowed down my computer and made the editing slower, Soon I switched to iMovie which was a hot mess at first but I found a youtuber who gave step by step on editing. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQo-i5kXvgE&t=544s

Go check her out! The step by step is so helpful and remember to INVEST!! Yes it is true you can film using anything and maybe grow from it but most people would rather watch clear footage rather than blurry.

THE BIGGEST THING IS LOVE WHAT YOU DO.

If you want anymore information let me know. My channel https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rvb3o2Srov8

Swallowing Death

I stand in front of the mirror and an unknown reflection stares back at me. My eyes flicker back and forth taking this new person in. She’s the same height as me she has the same eyes and even the same freckles but her face looks worn and tired, her figure has grown fuller and the once hour glass shape I loved so much is replaced with excess skin and saggy lumps. Where toned muscle once flexed a bat ready to swing now buried under fatty tissue and stretch marks. Her breathing is heavy and her body aches she can no longer stand straight and instead hunches. If I’m quiet I can hear a ticking noise no doubt coming from the clock. The clock that says when you’re time is up, I can hear it now just a few more clicks and it’s all over. Did she succumb to the depression? What was her way out? Did it end with a loud bang or quietly on the bathroom floor? No? Then what was it. Oh that’s right it was years of watching the world pass by as she gorged herself to death on the only substance she knows. Where did it start and where did it end? Every day that passes is another one closer to the grave.

As a child I used to write notes to myself in hopes of finding it years later. They usually consisted of who I wanted to marry and that so help me God I better be married to him or that I hoped my dreams of being an archaeologist came true. It was so much simpler to have a child like wonder and instead of being lost from the world you could get lost with adventure chasing Huckleberry Finn and Tom Sawyer down the Mississippi or ridding the waves with Captain Ishmael looking for Moby Dick or my personal favorite making Boo Radley come out. That childlike wonder I once had ran wild with the stories and books I read creating those scenes in my head and even created ideas for my future but here I am today writing a death letter to myself thinking what my story will be. “She was great at breathing” is that what the tombstone will read. I’m ready to shed my coat of hatred and self-doubt. I’m ready to be the woman my childhood self would have loved. I’m ready to love me.

TWANDA

Sorry for not posting in a few days… My mind has been all over the place.

Kyle and I started the PodCast and had a blast recording it, Something we are able to connect on which I love. This weekend we are going to San Antonio and I can’t hide my self doubt. See we are going to visit a friend from back home who recently moved to Texas and the last time I saw him I was much thinner and happier with my appearance and now being doubled the size I am in fear of his reaction. My Therapist told me to get over my self hate and enjoy my time because at the end of the day I would be the one losing out on an adventure.

Any one else struggle with self hate? Having a body you want to burst from? Sure the simple answer is lose weight and make a change but when you are staring at miles of depression that change is easier said than done. My mind thinks of “Fried Green Tomatoes” Where Kathy Bates basically says “I wish I had the courage to get it over with and get really fat” TWANDA. So here I am Kathy just ready to let it happen. Maybe its because I had lost so much weight right before moving to Texas and BOOM I gained it all back plus more. I am so pissed that I not only do I have to lose all that weight again but I have to lose more.

I guess thats all I have in me today. If anyone is reading this drop a comment below and let me know how you feel and if you struggle from this self image demon.

~ME

His Hands

Last night we had plans. The thing about plans is they are not set in stone no matter how badly we want them to be. When Kyle came home it was already seven, he wanted to put in over time since I have been on leave. Well Drake had it right when he said there’s never much fun in the OT. The moment Kyle walked through the door I knew immediately to scratch any plans I had and to just love him.

So today I dedicate this blog to him and those who work just as hard to provide a good stable life for their families. Instead of recording our podcast and going to the lake we ate food from a bag and watched The Mighty Ducks #90sbabies. Not even five minutes into the movie he clunked out on the floor and that’s where I got that picture. As much as I wanted him to be awake and fill my time I told my selfishness to come back later. I watched him sleep and wondered what he could possibly be dreaming about (Probably some sort of sports car) and I just wanted to hold him even tighter as his body would rise and fall from the rhythmic breathing.

I woke up today with a box of doughnuts (I hate when people spell it donuts) and a Starbucks coffee waiting on my night stand. He had gotten up early on his day off to drive 20 minutes away for some coffee and another 20 minutes the opposite direction for my favorite doughnuts. My heart exploded and all I wanted to do was just snuggle next to him. After my calorie packed breakfast I had found that he had loaded up the car with road trip snacks, healthy I know. Confused I asked him what we were doing since our voyage is not for two more weeks and he explained that he knows I love to drive so let’s just drive today. Again my heart did back flips so we put Sparkle in the car (Our dog not some unicorn) and hit the road. We drove around for four hours and finally came back home having scratchy voices from singing and leg cramps from not moving around. The whole time I just stared in awe of him. We have spent almost five years of our life together and I can honestly say I haven’t loved him anymore than I do right now. When life got tough for me and I could no longer make the journey he picked me up and carried me just in the same sense of God.

We have not always been so in love and at times it was more like hate but this man works his tail off for everything we have and doesn’t expect much in return. Day in and day out he rubs his hands raw to the point they crack, bleed and are usually covered in black tar knowing in 10 years they will be riddled with arthritis but for his family it’s worth it.  So my vow is to always hold those hands with love and pride, when people start to stare as they continue to get worse I will hold them even tighter. This Man saved my life… So again today was a red letter day. Hoping everyone has had one to.

~MEIMG_7530.JPG

Red Letter Day

Serenity.

I woke up feeling this light in my stomach amplifying and making its way through me. Like its rays streamed through every pore on my body.

 

Could it be the excitement of my upcoming voyage? Or am I finally shattering through this darkness? Whatever the reasoning may be I am feeling elated and I do not want to miss a minute of it. So today will be spent in meditation in hopes of keeping this balanced sensation. (didn’t mean to rhyme)

 

Tonight Kyle and I will upload our first podcast and maybe after we can go to the lake. It will be nice to get out of the house and spend some time with nature. I am so motivated right now which not something I am used to. We are also discussing starting a YouTube for our voyage. It really doesn’t matter if anyone watches we just want the rawness to be documented. We want to be able to look back at this point in our life and remember where we were. To laugh at our silly moments and cry through the rough.

 

It is a red letter day. For those who don’t know a red letter day is an extraordinary phenomenal day. I am not naive though I realize that tomorrow I can just as easily crawl back into my hole and feel the depression take over but my focus is on today and nothing more. Maybe that’s what everyone’s problem is, we focus so much on tomorrow that we lose sight of today. So here is to everyone having a red letter day.

 

~ME

Highway To Hell

Wherever she went happy bloomed.

 

Where did my happiness go? Did I leave it with my eight year old self? Spending days running barefoot in the desert catching lizards with not a care in the world and only having to come home once the street lights came on.  Or did I leave it back in California where my thoughts and memories cling to a past life that feels more real than the one I am living in now.

 

I am trying to remember at what point in my life happiness became more than emotion. I guess it is bred into us “If you are not happy you will not do well in life” I mean they even made a song about being happy. After sitting in group therapy for three weeks I have come to the conclusion happiness is only a fleeting feeling that we are all so consumed in obtaining that we let all other emotions get out of balance. In my brain it’s always been a missing puzzle piece to my life.

 

I suppose I am determined now to not obtain happiness but to find balance. I sit here at my computer staring off into the distance creating stories and images in my brain of an exciting life but yet I still sit here.

 

So in two weeks I will be taking a road trip. I don’t know where and I don’t know how long. For the first time I will jump outside my comfort zone and live in the moment. Anyone reading this I urge you to buckle up and get ready for the ride and encourage you to join me. I am taking back my life. Depression can kiss my A$$.

 

~ME

Truths

Every time I go to write this it seems so much more awkward than it needs to be haha. I don’t know I just think that today was just full of real processing and part of group is that you process and kind of learn to work on things such as triggers or traumatic events then leave them there once group is over. But today I have not been able to leave those thoughts there and it kind of all correlates with me finally being open about my job…

For most people working 9 to 5 and being in that big business environment is something that they strive for. Like when I worked for Starbucks that business job was so enticing to me! In my head I thought Of course I would love to work for a place I could get dressed up and have that whole movie scene or dynamic of a business structure… And after working there I found out I really hate that life style so today I opened up and admitted I hate my job. I just hate it, there’s so little that I like about it. Well honestly only one thing which is the money but that’s it. I guess I have friends at work that I love but even they hate the environment and I have a great manager but I am changing teams at the end of the month, maybe that’s why my anxiety has gotten even worse and is now taking a toll on me. I know that I am not even going to be a part of the same team which is my safety blanket. There’s so many additives to what creates this stress about my work. The bottom line is I HATE it, so my therapist said ok lets do a pro and con list haha and there was seriously only two pros for staying at my job and like 25 cons and the biggest red flag for her was that working there has declined my physical health by creating an ulcer and giving me extreme anxiety.

I don’t know if any of you who are reading this (If anyone is) deals with extreme anxiety but its hard man you don’t really know that you have it and in time it’s just a normal feeling. The best story I have to describe it is while at work I lied to my boss and said that my badge was not working and this is a badge that clocks you in and out for lunch for the work day… it wasn’t true though I just couldn’t bring myself to physically get up out of my chair and walk 40 feet down a row of people to clock in and out because it scared me and I just knew these people would judge me  there was even a point where I would clock out five minutes early so I wouldn’t have to ride the elevator down with other people in fear of them judging me and if for some reason I couldn’t leave those five minutes early I would wait 3o minutes just to be sure no one would be there at the elevators. I was and still am a prisoner to my anxiety and depression.

Today I was honest with it, my therapist just said “why are you so afraid of leaving this job?” My answer was “the opinions my family would have of me if I did leave” I finally have this adult job that pays so well and my family is proud of me for once and for the first time in my life I wasn’t the awkward girl who had to have her 6 year old niece get her ketchup because she was so insecure.. Yet unknown to them I am now at a point where I just don’t do anything because I let my anxiety and depression win where for at least a little while I felt in control like I could concur the world and now it’s all disappeared I am just drowning in my own self-hate…

 

So after group I called my mom and I was so terrified about telling her how I was feeling and what happened in group I really dint know how to explain it but we talked for five minutes and then she asked me how therapy was which she has been so supportive about and that’s big because we  have a rough history which is why it feels like I am disappointing her and telling her how I feel about work makes me think she won’t be proud of me. After glazing over what we talked about in group I eventually just said screw it and told my parents which at first confused them because for a year now I had been glamorizing everything so I had to admit that for a year I had been lying to them. I wanted them to think I was happy because I should be right? It’s such a good paying job and after watching my father suffer for 40 years in a nob he hated I became afraid. So my dad was the first to say something and of course it started out “well no one ever really likes their job” and I just had to grow up in that moment and explain to him that’s not how I want to live my life. I explained my emotions and my fears of them being disappointed in me which they both said “No, even when you fall we will always be proud of who you are and where you are going” My mom then reminded me to never lie about my feelings for the sake of someone else’s and to remember her wrists. When she was younger she let the world break her and she slit her wrists but thankfully my grandfather caught her and was able to get her to a hospital in time. I couldn’t stop the tears that streamed just remembering my mother walked in my shoes and she understood more than anyone yet I was still afraid to tell her. Today was emotional a lot of truth was split and I don’t where I stand yet… I feel far from content but the door is now open and I am hoping what’s outside the door is beautiful.

 

~ME

Unicorns, Rainbows, and Watermelons

Good morning I mean it’s still morning right? I should probably be in group therapy right now… today I woke up with a mission to make it amazing. I’ve recently started listening to sermons trying to acquaint myself with a higher power. So this morning I  took a shower in hopes of jolting my body awake then I  went to the living room and looked out the window watching the morning sun push through the trees a thin layer of fog settled itself on the thick grass making everything look more peaceful than it should be.

Two years ago my boyfriend and I moved to Texas and I’m still not a fan of this state but I do have to say the sunrise is absolutely breath taking. I set up my phone right by the window and listened to a sermon which gave me a jolt my morning shower failed to do.  Then as if it was self-sabotage I broke the number one rule of waking up in the morning! After the sermon I went to lay down next to my dog because hell it’s a dog. Just a few seconds I thought and then the world went black. Am I disappointed in myself? Hell yea. But I just feel like I needed some space or I just like pressing the self-destruct button it’s kind of up in the air now. I just read my first blog post haha “The journey to wellness” I can promise at that time I wrote that blog I was lying to myself or maybe just telling myself what I wanted to hear. Now before I get along I do want to say a disclaimer. This blog is me… it’s my thoughts and my life written down in the heat of moments, so if you hate writing/spelling errors please take your exit and if you are in hopes of a happy ending well so am I so for that 100% happy go lucky feeling go read a beauty blog it’s all about unicorns rainbows and watermelons (aren’t watermelons pretty fantastic?)

 

Today I am struggling with the unknown.  Takes me back to elementary school where you had to write about what you wanted to be when you grew up, I am a 90s baby and I had just watched Jurassic park so of course I wanted to be a paleontologists. 15 years later and my job is to sit at computers all day assisting in auto claims. What a crazy and spontaneous life right? The feeling that life has gotten stale is so disheartening, 22 years old and I am ready for retirement. I have an amazing man, a dog, and so much support but I still feel empty. Not to sound all religious because I know that can make anything awkward but I am craving something more and it’s not of this life. For so long I have shut down that belief part of me afraid of my sins and slowly I am trying to find my way back to God but I am still afraid this emptiness will live inside me. Ugh I don’t know maybe tomorrow will bring clarity.

 

~ME

Am I here?

Depression is a ten letter word. There are plenty of ten letter words out there but none so earth shattering than depression. You are not really taught how to cope with it either. A school provides you with so much basic knowledge but it never touches the grey areas. How to get out of a mental, emotional, and often times physical health problems that everyone will most likely be faced with at some point in their life. Depression can be funny in the way it approaches you, for some it’s like you are finally finding a path to follow and then that loathing self-doubt sets in. You can’t determine what is up or down anymore you only see life in dull empty shades. Currently I spend my week days at what most call the crazy farm, a place where people who have lost all hope open up to one another. The program I am in is called PHP which for those who don’t know is partial hospitalization. I bet you think I’m crazy now or if you are on the “13 Reasons why” wave you might understand more. Why am I there? Did I Edward scissor hands my wrists or down a bottle of jack mixed with some pills? Am I a recovering addict? No? Ok then why am I there?

You could say it was a buildup of emotion brought on by traumatic circumstances or you could say I am just seeking attention and trying to get time off work. All I really know is one night after having an amazing day with my boyfriend I laid in bed watching supernatural and all at once my mind went to this dark place I was no longer watching the king of hell but living in my own, I had known I was struggling with depression but I didn’t know it had gotten so bad. For a good two minutes I just wanted it all to end. I had no plan and honestly I still don’t. I just wanted the pain I was feeling to stop and for some reason that thought didn’t scare me but only enticed me more. I woke the next morning and called off work not knowing what to do and the only thing stopping me from taking the next step was knowing I would be leaving Kyle (My boyfriend) to pick up the pieces and for me that wasn’t ok.  So I checked myself into a mental health treatment center in hopes of finding that will to live. So far no day is like the other and each day brings a new obstacle or wave to ride. I am making this Blog to document my recovery and hopefully hold myself accountable for each new action I take. Maybe this will help someone or maybe it will just be a bunch of words typed out for no one to read but myself in the end I am just looking for that hope.

~ME